A steady rain was beginning to fall, but that is not the reason we pulled the car over onto the side of the road just outside of Austin that unusually warm October. Cheryl, who had been driving, was now staring into my eyes waiting for me to speak. I was shaking as I held the fine crafted wood box in my hand. Could I really give her this gift? Was I insane? The thing I now held, so close to handing over to her, would either be the end of our marriage or the beginning of something we had never experienced before.
We married young. I had just graduated college and we were both green to the ways of the world, let alone marriage. We were both the children of broken homes and no one we knew had insisted we enter into any sort of pre-marriage counseling. We were young and stupid enough to believe love alone would carry the marriage for the next fifty years. Children came quickly and so did my religious vocation. By the age of twenty-two I was the youth minister at a very unhealthy and destructive church of 8000. By thirty, I was let go from my second dysfunctional church. In ten years of marriage we scarcely survived three life-threatening car accidents, two damaging churches, three miscarriages, near poverty, unemployment and the pain that comes from two lifetimes of unresolved hurts.
Now in the third year of Wonder Voyage, our long stagnant and unsettled issues burst to the surface. I came from a family who dealt with conflict by pretending all was well. It was a deadly unrealistic optimism. «If we pretend there are no problems they will eventually fade away.» Cheryl’s family used volatile anger to deal with. The first few years of Wonder Voyage brought no money, odd jobs, a plethora of problems and a thin slice of hope. It is no wonder the stress of this new endeavor caused the marriage to eventually detonate.
By the time the kids and I returned from Ireland the summer of 2002, Cheryl and I had decided to separate. We had been two strangers living under the same roof for six months. The separation in Ireland did not help to heal the marriage: we were about to enter the most painful season of our lives.
I stayed at the house with our three children while Cheryl moved to her own weekly rental apartment down the road. We traded the kids off on the weekends, went to school events as a couple and even ate together as a family twice a week. And we talked. We talked for hours and hours every week. We had nothing to lose and nothing to hide. All our years of pain, frustrations, hidden agendas, false thoughts, unbridled anger; it all was laid out on the table. By October we ran out of words. So we had one more step before divorce. We took a week to join a marriage intensive retreat in Austin, Texas.
This was the day we were to start the retreat. But now we sat on the side of the highway as rain blurred the windshield and cars whipped past our vehicle throwing water onto the hood. Throughout our marriage, I had collected wooden boxes from around the world for Cheryl. She had several from six different continents. Now I was handing her what might be her last box. “Cheryl, this box represents everything we have had in our marriage. All our joys and laughter; our adventures and hardships. They are all contained in this box. All these years, I have held onto these memories and these moments. I now give them freely back to you. Whatever happens this week I return your life to you. If we decide to part ways I will let you go- no strings, no fight; Your life is back in your hands.” She sat staring at the box as tears rolled down her cheeks like rain rolling off the windshield. But she did not speak. She started the car and headed to our hotel.
There is much more to this story that will be developed in a future book but as you already know we stayed together. The box is proudly displayed in our home, a testament to the miracle of marriage. Though we have our ups and downs, our marriage has been what we always dreamed a marriage could be: a joining of two best friends. And the box continues to deepen as more memories fill it every day.
‘The Box’ is an except from an upcoming book by Shawn in 2012 presently titled Moments of Wonder.
Shawn, thanks for sharing this. I remember that summer.
beautifully written. i like it!
this is the kind of story that makes us believe in god, at least for me. my parents have one. to keep it short, most people know, growing up my dad turned to alcohol and a few other things & was on the bindge for 12 years…very abusive situation. my mom never left him. i would tell her all the time to leave him, but she never did. they ‘separated’ for a while but never divorced. when i got older i began to understand. ended up, dad actually got sober. he said to my mom, “you have every right to leave, and i wouldn’t blame you if you did. but you are they only woman for me, and i love you, will take care of everything if you’ll have me.”
now when i go to their house i have to stop and ask if they just got hitched or something because they love on eachother and play so much. my family is unbelievably close…and everyone loves dad. my family, my parents, is a miracle. whenever i doubt hope, love, god..i think of my family. im sure shawn and cheryl do too. its these stories of real life ugly humanity turned beautiful that inspires and transforms people, i think. can’t wait to hear the rest!
There is something profound in honest and transparent brokenness. I think it’s the quality I admire most about Shawn Small. I realize after reading this excerpt, you are very intentional about what you do. You teach us all, brother…and sitting on my counter is a wooden box I received; hails from New Orleans. It has never been more significant because of the (my) beginning it represents. Thank You.
Transparent to the point that your guts show!Well written, heck of a teaser!
I too am proud of you both to share your lives with the world. I know that many will be set free, healed and many marriages saved from the divorce courts in Christiandom. Thanks for your yeilded heart unto God.
I heart this story.
I want so badly to say something thoughtful here, but just don’t have the words. Everyone who knows Shawn and Cheryl probably knows their story, but to see a small piece of it written down,is inspirational. To know that you are willing to expose to an entire world what was probably the most emotionally trying time in your life, is simply amazing, I applaud you for it.
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